Three Completely Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

1. I frequently find myself inspired to write at the most inconvenient of times, such as when I am working, driving, showering, or on the toilet. (Don't act surprised. Like you've never had a Deep Thought while perched on the porcelain throne?) By the time I am able to seat myself at a writing device with a proper keyboard, the inspiration is gone. Without that spark, the writing feels empty. Fake, somehow devoid of authentic emotion. In similar fashion, I will occasionally begin writing, but when interruptions inevitably crop up, I'm forced to abandon the piece on which I was working. I don't feel right about publishing anything that I don't consider to be a complete work, and as a result, I have dozens of half-finished pieces sitting in my draft folder. I find this personally annoying. I enjoy writing, and other people seem to enjoy reading what I write, so what is the point of of a talent that I'm not able to share? In short, I am going to make an effort to publish more often, even if it's in a less formal fashion.

2. My kid's first birthday is tomorrow. It's an astonishing feat to have kept him alive for this long, when he attempts to thwart my efforts on a daily basis. That child isn't afraid of anything. If I leave the door to the garage open, he could literally be three houses away before I note his absence, and he is ONE. What is going to happen when he learns how to open doors by himself? I shudder to think. His favorite passtimes at age one include, banging his toys on anything that he could possibly scratch or dent, slamming doors, pushing big things with wheels (which is a problem at the grocery store when he wants to push the cart himself) and watching tv. (Yes, my one-year-old watches tv. The Baby Channel. Judging Panel: Go ahead and judge.) We'll be celebrating the amazing accomplishment of maintaining a healthy human for 365 days by throwing a big party and enjoying copious amounts of food and alcohol. The baby is invited.

3. I waste an unbelievable amount of coffee. Every two days, I brew a large pot, and pour myself a nice fresh mug. I add milk, sweetener, and occasionally a flavored creamer. If it's my day off, I'll throw in some Rumchada. (Yes, I put booze in my coffee. In the morning. BEFORE NOON. Again, I defer to the Judging Panel.) I will take a few sips, and then get distracted. Laundry, child care, shower...all of these things eventually lead to cold coffee. I will reheat the mug and maybe get a few more sips before it becomes cold again. At this point, I generally abandon my efforts, and make a mental note to prepare myself a fresh (reheated) cup before work. A few hours later, I will do exactly that. Reheat a fresh cup of coffee in the microwave, add the proper accouterments, and transfer into a travel mug for work. I will leave the travel mug on the counter, so I can grab it on my way out the door, and fifty percent of the time I will forget it entirely. My husband will find it a few hours later, standing alone on the counter. He will either dump it, or put it in the fridge for me to reheat the next morning. By the time I see the day-old coffee in the fridge, I will already have prepared a fresh cup, and it will get dumped out anyway. The other fifty percent of the time, I will remember to bring the mug to work, and (after spilling some of it on the console on the way there) it will become too cold to drink and I will move the travel mug out of everyone's way and then forget the mug at work. I repeat this cycle almost daily. SIGH. You're welcome, Folgers.

The Bikini Condition

I shuffle out of the dressing room and hand my pile of tried-on garments over to the fitting room attendant. "Did you have any luck with those?" she asks politely. A tight smile and small snort of disgust escapes me as I reply, "Not this time." Something catches my eye in the pile of bathing suits that she is sorting on the counter. "Oh! Does that one happen to be a size large, by chance?" She glances down at the swatch of colored fabric in her hand, and gives a mildly sympathetic shake of her head. "It's a small. Sorry." Psh. No, you're not. I think to myself as I stalk bitterly towards the front of the store. I usually feel bad for fitting room attendants. It's a thankless job, counting hangers and passing out those stupid little plastic numbers, re-hanging garment after garment for hours at a time, only to watch the items that you've just put away come back to the dressing room moments later and end up in a messy heap once again. But not today. Today I feel a rather smug satisfaction at the thought that the bathing suits I'd left behind the counter were making someone else miserable besides me. That's not very nice, Gina. I shrug to myself. It's not very nice. Such is life.

It's nearly spring, once again. And here, in the great frozen state of North Dakota, that means two things: 1) The city of Fargo is about to suffer a major case of spring fever. This usually involves a lot of yard work, as well as hundreds of people walking around in shorts and flip-flops even though it's only 50 degrees. And 2) Summer is just around the corner. This means that the tanning salons are being flooded with ghostly white individuals who've spent the past few months shielding their delicate skin from the frigid winter elements. This also means it's time to start shopping for bathing suits, and waking up to the harsh reality of looking at our bodies, practically naked in dressing room mirrors. Every extra Christmas cookie, every celebratory New Year's drink, and every hastily sneaked piece of Valentine's chocolate will hide no longer. This, my friends, is the reckoning.

My mother was very modest when it came to clothing, and as a result, I was never allowed (or even interested) to wear a bikini as a child. As a matter of fact, I wasn't even brave enough to don my first two-piece until halfway through college. I'd gone through a difficult breakup, and as a giant nose-thumb to the ex who'd told me point blank that I wasn't built to wear such things, as well as to my conservative upbringing, I decided to throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out one 4th of July weekend. I was surprised at the result. No one threw eggs at me or laughed hysterically as I walked by. I had a great time with my friends, both male and female. I realized that it didn't matter what I looked like in my bathing suit, because the people I cared about cared about me, and not my so-called physical imperfections. Ironically, back in the days when I was most insecure was probably the best I'd ever looked in a bikini.

Fast-forward fourteen years. That brings us to today, where I am suddenly a 35-year-old female, wishing desperately that I had the body I so loathed in my youth. Having birthed a child eight months ago isn't helping the situation much, either. Although the baby weight is all gone, it seems that things didn't exactly go back to the way they were before. Same size, but...different shape.

In a few short weeks, I am about to embark upon my first ever girls trip. Five girlfriends and I will strap on our traveling shoes and board a cruise ship from Miami to the Bahamas. This is obviously cause for some serious shopping, which is what landed me in that despicable dressing room with a stack of horrible bathing suits in the first place. What was I thinking? Even if we weren't just coming off winter, and even if I hadn't recently given birth, bikini shopping is the WORST! It's hard to hide flaws when nothing is actually covered. I decided to ditch the bikinis and give a selection of one-piece suits a try. Well, that was a mistake. Those adorable one-pieces with the sides cut out? The ones that look amazingly sexy yet still respectable? Like all of those swimsuit models in the Victoria's Secret catalog are actually just regular women with high-paying day jobs and the pictures in the magazine are simply candids from their family vacation to Florida? Yeah...not so much. Somehow, through some sort of gaping hole in the laws of physics, more material is actually less flattering. I felt like those "sexy" cutouts were designed exclusively to highlight my flaws. Like my own personal sorority hazing, where the senior girls make you strip down to your underwear in front of everyone and circle your fat spots with a Sharpie. Nothing will ever look good enough, because no matter how good I look, someone else will look better. I realize that this is ridiculous, but it's simply the female condition. We are bred to foster insecurities, and spend our entire lives working on ways to overcome them. Most of us give up "overcoming" and instead find a way to just deal with it. Rather like my 21-year-old self who threw caution to the wind to don her very first bikini, my 35-year-old post-baby self is going to have to take the same leap.

As I stomped angrily to my car, I thought back to the suits I'd tried on. I exhaled my breath in a long silent whistle and steadied my thoughts. Maybe, just maybe the pink and purple one would look halfway decent if I could find it in the proper size... I ordered it online as soon as I got home, along with one more suit for good measure. After all, even if I'm not entirely thrilled with my resulting appearance, it's really the only excuse I need to spring for a cute sundress cover-up. It turns out that my grown-up self know a secret truth that my 21-year-old self had to learn from experience: after all the muss and fuss, the hemming and hawing, the moaning and wailing, after ALL of that nonsense, comes clarity. No one is perfect, and it is a waste of energy to expect perfection where none truly exists. Life is about the experiences, not the appearances. In the end, it's just a bathing suit. And the reality is that the only person who truly cares how I look wearing it is me. I don't have a thing to prove to anyone except myself.

So. When the time comes for my my girls and I to drop our towels by the pool on that cruise ship, I can embrace the certainty that a couple of muffin tops isn't going to make one shred of difference in how much fun we have. Hand me some sunscreen and a margarita, and let the memories make themselves.

A Fond Farewell

You wouldn't think that the passing of a teacher would evoke much sadness among high school students. In fact, I think that as students, we all spent a fair amount of time daydreaming the demise of certain instructors, resulting in the imagined euphoric end of homework and pop quizzes. Some teachers, however, are in another category.

The legendary Randall R. Rustad, teacher of high school history and government, master of one-liners, collector of dirt. Mr. Rustad (for I will never in all my life feel comfortable referring to him as "Randall") was so much more than just a teacher. The gymnasium at Fargo Shanley High was packed with hundreds of teary eyes, as we collectively mourned the loss of a man who touched more people that I suspect he ever realized. And although he has now been officially laid to rest, I find my thoughts continue to dwell on him. His passing has brought to light so many memories, and they seem to be floating around in my brain like the pages of an old newspaper caught in the wind, occasionally catching the light and bringing either a smile to my lips or the prick of tears to my eyes.

What was it about this man that was so special? I doubt that hundreds of people will show up to tell stories at my funeral. For Mr. Rustad, they came out in droves, both in person and on social media. Every single student came armed with a story about passing Rustad's dreaded mandatory oral exams, or participating in one of the many class pranks that were played on Rustad, year after year. He was everyone's favorite teacher, but why? He was strict, and commanded respect. (Seriously. You don't mess around in Rustad's class. I fell asleep in government once. In the front row. When I woke up and realized that Rustad's lecture was still in progress at the podium directly above me, I felt that I had narrowly escaped certain death.) Yet he was hilarious and quirky. (He drank Tab. TAB. Where does one even find a case of Tab these days? In my entire life (post-1990) I believe the only place I ever saw a can of Tab for sale was in the vending machines at Shanley. And the only reason they stocked it was for Mr. Rustad.) He was jovial, and passionate about both his students and his work. Having taught government, history, and drivers ed at Shanley for nearly thirty years, it takes a special kind of dedication to display the same intensity with every class, year after year. History doesn't change, yet Rustad was able to cover the same material again and again, never failing to convey its importance, even the one-hundredth time around. Any teacher can regurgitate material, but Rustad possessed a rare quality in that he made students want to learn. Not that we had a choice, as we WOULD be learning the material, one way or another. I remember my very first day of class with Rustad a million years ago, when he announced that, "You WILL be learning each and every state capital, and you WILL be learning the 27 constitutional amendments, because I'll be damned if any student is going to graduate this high school without knowing their rights. Not on my watch!"

Even now, days after the funeral service, I find myself preoccupied with memories and thoughts that have resurfaced since Mr. Rustad's death. I keep seeing his grandchildren, seated at the funeral. Little bodies squirming in their parents' laps, short little legs dangling over the edges of chairs. I never thought of Mr. Rustad as a grandfather before. I went to school with all three of the Rustad children, so it stands to reason that they are all now grown up with children of their own, as am I. But the Mr. Rustad in my mind is still the young man of many years ago, with the future laid out as a path at his feet, as it was for all of us back then. It seems a cruel irony that after decades spent teaching other peoples' kids how to drive, Mr. Rustad's own grandchildren will one day take the wheel without him there in the passenger seat bellowing, "Use your mirrors!" Watching those kids during the funeral service, I wondered if any of them had ever been to a funeral before. Could they comprehend the impact that their grandfather had on the hundreds of people around them? Looking around the Shanley gymnasium, I saw classmates of my own from the late 1990's, as well as younger faces from the classes of 2000's and beyond. I saw parents, some of whom were former classmates of Mr. Rustad himself. I saw faculty and coaches, both current and previous. And of course, there were several members of the clergy seated in a row underneath one of the basketball hoops, and the casket, front and center at the free throw line. It was quite the gathering.

My senior year of high school, my family traveled to the Black Hills. Knowing Mr. Rustad's fondness for gathering souvenir dirt from historical sites (Civil War battlefields were his personal favorite), I scooped up a chunk of earth from Will Bill Hickock's grave on the legendary Boot Hill. I secured it safely inside an plastic film canister and brought it to school as a gift for my favorite teacher. Not wanting to look like a brown-noser, I left the dirt in my locker until such time as was opportune to deliver it without painting myself a suck-up. It sat on my locker shelf for the remainder of the school year. On our very last day of class in the spring of 1998, as the entire senior class was a manic panic of cleaning out lockers and counting down the last few hours of our high school careers, I grabbed the dirt and tossed it to an idle classmate. "Hey, go give this to Mr. Rustad for me!" She did as instructed, and that was the last thought I had regarding that little container until recently. Reminiscing about it now, I wonder if that dirt ever made its way into Rustad's esteemed private collection, or if he even knew that it was from me? I will never know. But every time I visit a famous landmark or a historical site, I remember the man who boasted so proudly of his extensive and fabulous souvenir dirt collection.

Lastly, my most vivid personal Rustad memory. In our senior economics class, we were assigned a "stock market project". (I should mention here that I truly hate economics. I only took the class because Mr. Rustad taught it.) We were to invest a specified amount of fictional money into our choice of stocks, and over a certain period of time, we were to buy/sell them as we saw fit and record the outcome. Having much more important high schoolish-type activities to attend to, I put off my work on the assignment until the last minute. I had already mentally selected my stocks, so it was the simple matter of going back to look up what they had been worth on the date that we were to have begun our initial "investing." This gave me the distinct advantage of knowing which stocks would do well and which ones tanked. I decided to scrap my original idea, and instead to invest in a pharmaceutical company that, the week before, had announced that they had perfected a new drug for cancer patients. In other words, I cheated. Their stock went through the roof in a matter of days. Cha-ching! I believe a made just over twenty-three thousand fictional dollars. That should be good for an A, right? Unfortunately for me, Mr. Rustad decided to post a list of everyone's stock results in class. In order. Biggest earner on top, biggest losers at the bottom. And there I was, right there at the top of the list with my $23k in earnings. The classmate listed below me had earned a just few hundred bucks, so my cheating couldn't have been more obvious. Next to my name, in parentheses, were the words, "Inside Trading." Well played, Mr. Rustad! I was totally busted, but Mr. Rustad never said anything to me about it. On our last day of class, I stole that sheet of paper off the board and I know that I still have it secured somewhere among my high school keepsakes.

The mark that Mr. Rustad left on his students is rare. A fond memory shining brightly through the darkness of those angsty high school years. I wonder about my own small son. Will he be lucky enough to have a teacher like Mr. Rustad? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Either way, Mr. Rustad may be gone, but his legacy isn't lost. It lives on inside of me, and every other student who was touched in some way by this wonderful man. WE are that legacy.