It's been recently brought to my attention that I'm a defective member of society.
I'm a married, healthy, fully-educated, gainfully employed, god-fearing, taxpaying citizen. However, being 32 years old and having no children apparently renders me useless in the eyes of certain people who seem to believe that reproduction is the reason for human existence.
Don't get me wrong, I like children. I may even have a couple someday. But seriously, what is the deal with some people? Right now, at this point in my life, I am in no way mentally or emotionally prepared to be a mother. And I'm pretty sure that it's MY choice (and my husband's) to decide when and if we have kids, and no one else's. The problem has ensued due to extremely nosy (although well-meaning) family members who can't seem to keep their mouths shut about my husband and my childless status. Whether behind our backs or straight to our faces, the topic of my uterus is traditionally a hot topic at family gatherings, and I just DON'T get it. Why is it any concern of anyone else's when and if my husband I and I choose to start a family? I love my life the way that it is. I like my job, and my husband I and enjoy the fact that our time is our own. We can travel if we want to, without worrying about a baby-sitter or the kids missing school. We can buy a completely impractical vehicle if we want to, without worrying that it doesn't have side airbags or room for a car seat. We can spend a Sunday afternoon sipping margaritas on a patio somewhere without the constantly worrying that we are responsible for a small helpless human's survival.
It would be one thing if someone were to politely inquire if my husband and I plan on a family someday. It's a perfectly natural question that I am willing to answer without hesitation. But battling with repeated and increasingly upsetting remarks from family members that know full well what my feelings are on the matter is straight-up ridiculous. I've been explaining to people since my wedding day, that yes, we may have children someday, but not someday soon. And in five years, my answer hasn't changed. Despite the coos and gushing assertions that my husband and I will have the "most beautiful babies!", and the raised eyebrows regarding my age ("You can't wait forever, you know."), and the disappointed look on my mother-in-law's face when yet another holiday passes without "any big news." It's nice that the family is so excited to add another member, but I'll be damned if I'm going to turn my entire life upside down just so they have someone to dote on at Christmas time. Excuse me, but kiss my entire ass. I shouldn't have to be made to feel inadequate about my life by people who don't understand my choice. I have every respect for people who choose to raise children. It's a tough job, and I esteem those who embrace the challenge. But am I a bad person because I have no maternal instinct? Um, I don't think so. And as the gushing assertions have been slowly replaced by spiteful, biting remarks, I find my temper spiking higher and higher. Remarks such as, "Gina doesn't want to have a baby because she'd rather drink and party," or "Gina just doesn't want to get fat." Who the HELL do you think you are to say such things? Even if they were true, what difference does it make what the reasons are? My reasons are my reasons. There have been whispered conversations regarding my husband's sperm count, and wide-eyed fears that I might be (gasp) barren. I find this kind of behavior too disgusting for words. I'm scowling at my computer screen even as we speak. Why is it so hard for people to understand that MAYBE WE JUST DON'T WANT KIDS?!? There's more to life than creating offspring. I'm going to visit the Louvre. I'm going to see the pyramids, and snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef. And (yes, I'll go there) how exactly am I supposed to pole dance with pregnant belly? I intend to enjoy every moment of my life as it comes, and if a child isn't part of that plan, it's simply nobody's goddamn business.
End rant.
Really enjoyed this one. It doesn't even stop when you have them. We still get asked if we'll be having more . . . because 3 kids, a dog, a cat, and a hamster are not enough. We get the question if Oli was an "oops" because of the age gap. My favorite question though is when people wonder how old I was and if I was married when I had David. It's really none of anyone's business.
ReplyDeleteI feel the worst though when people who cannot procreate on their own keep getting asked. Yes let them relive the pain of not being able to have kids.
Melissa
Everyone has their reasons on kids and honestly I don't care. I think it is highly responsible to make your own decision and stick to it. People know what they can handle and what they want, think too many people stick their noses in places they have no business being.
Good for you Gina!! I obviously have kids, but in the sense of doing things you want, I completely understand your point on waiting. There have actually been studies that show that parents (and kids) are happier when the parents are a bit older, in their 30's and 40's. The reason why, because at that point they DO have children, they REALLY REALLY want children and are more prepared financially and mentally. They are content with their lives and decide that it's the right time for them to have kids. Is your biological clock ticking? Sure, but so is a 40-something woman. I applaud you for not giving into the stereotypical norm of getting married and having babies right away. You form a much stronger bond with your husband and truly lay the foundation for a great family, should you choose to eventually have kids.
ReplyDeleteGina i think this was absolutely GREAT!!!! I remember before we had kids people saying the same things to me! It is a bit frustrating! And even though I knew that I wanted kids someday, the main point of your story here remains the same - IT'S NO ONE ELSE'S DAMN BUSINESS BUT YOURS!!!! ( And maybe Pete's, a little). Hang in there girl!
ReplyDeleteHurrah! I'm sorry you have to hear the comments, I know it is no fun. And you are absolutely right, it is no one's business what you do with your hoo-ha. I don't understand what the the big rush is, why would people want someone to have a kid before they are ready (or at all, if they don't want one)? It is HARD WORK and not a decision to be made on a whim. I remember people asked when Chris and I were going to have kids BEFORE we were even married. WHAT?!?! Let us ENJOY each other for while, please! And then, once you have the kid, everyone says, "Just wait until she starts teething" or "the terrible twos" or any number of other things - like they are horrible creatures. If they are so horrible, why are you so anxious for everyone to HAVE THEM?!?! Whew. That does feel good. Anyway, hurrah for you. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteeasy. Tell everyone you are "barren." Then they will stop bothering you about it. Then, if and when it happens, it'll be a MIRACLE!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your blogs. This one is a good one. You and your husband are entited to think, believe, and want whatever you choose. And if you want to wait or some day never have them that is no one's business but your own and you dont need permission from anyone else for either which way. But I will say yes, your entire life does change when you have children. I NEVER wanted kids. I never wanted to get married, I never wanted a family. Obviously for those that know me, now know that I am married, Had one child, have a step child, and have a baby on the way.
ReplyDeleteI was always the independent type and thats all I wanted, my life, my time, my way. I wanted to travel, I wanted my career. Sounds pretty selfish... but it's opposite. For some people they dont think they are made for it. And I was once that person. I never wanted to be selfish and have a child and still want what I wanted and not give my child/children the attention or life they deserved. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking that way. BUT I WILL SAY, if and when you do have a child, your ENTIRE WORLD WILL CHANGE. Your thought process will change as well. I dont regret having kids, or getting married. It's the absolute greatest thing that ever happened to me and my entire way of thinking completely changed. I dont worry about getting a babysitter to go do all of these things I once wanted to do or could do. I would much rather make these memories with my kids and husband now. There's nothing wrong with having your kids stay with someone to go and do what you want to do for a weekend or something, but when you do have kids... you dont always want that anymore. You become a very selfless person.
Either way one decides, there is NO right or wrong answer. It is only that person (and significant other's) decision, and a big one. And Your parents, aunts, inlaws, any woman you know CAN agree to the fact that before they had you, or their own children, there were other things they wanted too. No one is honestly financially or emotionally or completely stable in their life to have their first child. everyone finds that out. You make due, you figure it out. Its another thing that can create a great bond with you and your husband.
WHICH EVER WAY YOU DECIDE, ITS YOUR CHOICE, YOUR LIFE, AND INDEED YOUR UTERUS!!! :-)
Lol! Thanks Lacey. :)
ReplyDelete