I realize I am stating the obvious here, but it is COLD OUTSIDE!!! And it's not just cold. It's true North Dakota freeze-your-ass-off cold. It's spit-into-the-wind-and-your-own-saliva-marble-nails-you-in-the-middle-of-the-forehead cold. And I realize that although it's (come on) not that big of a deal, (I mean really, all you have to do is make it from your car to the building and vice verse), but still. When you round the corner and a blast of icy wind slices through every layer of clothing like a knife, and your vision goes blurry for a second because your eyeballs have momentarily frosted over, it seems like a big deal.
The weather around here is a constant source of entertainment, hassle, and never-ending conversation. It amazes me that people live here! And at the same time, aren't we all just a little bit proud of it? "Keeps the riff-raff out," that's what we always say. You think some SoCal-born wimp could put up with this nonsense? No way. North Dakotans are bred to tough out the winters here. It's literally in our blood. Short history lesson: A long time ago (in a land far away), the Russian monarchy, looking to settle some of their underpopulated land, advertised throughout the rest of Europe that people could move to Russia to live on and farm the land for free, in exchange for a percentage of their crop. A large number of Germans took them up on the offer and immigrated to Russia. After a few generations, Russia started to suck, so the Germans picked up and moved to the brand new United States of America. Guess where a large number of them settled? The upper mid-west. Guess why? Because it reminded them of home. Cold, crappy, treeless, flat-ass Russia. They knew how to survive and farm land in a hostile climate, and no one else wanted to live here, so BOOM. Home sweet home.
I think it's amusing that "weather" is sort of like, the quintessential world's-most-boring conversation topic. Only around here, it's not. When someone bursts through the front door, and says, "Man, it's cold out there!" It isn't just chilly. It means that exposed skin literally freezes in four and a half minutes. We live in a region where people still freeze to death annually. Freeze. To DEATH. Human popsicles. Unreal. Not only that, but weather is something that every single person around here has in common. It doesn't matter the color of your skin, your political opinions, or your tax bracket. Rich or poor, every last one of us fights the same battle five months a year. Icy roads don't care how nice your car is. That snow in your driveway doesn't give a crap how important your job is. Waitress or CEO, we all have to conquer the same mountains of frozen crunchy white stuff in our attempts to drive to work, and every single one of us will have disgusting snot-cicles when we get there. North Dakota winters are the universal f*cking equalizer.
And speaking of snow, does anyone else dislike it as much as I do? Pretty or not, I resent the fact that every winter, the sky dumps buckets and buckets of frozen water on our houses and streets. We spend millions of dollars on equipment to move it, shove it, pile it, stack it, get it OUT of the frickin' way so we can go about our daily business, and then, poof! It simply melts into nothingness. All that snow vanishes without a trace, making a mockery of the time and money we've spent dealing with it, yet again. I picture that little clay-mation character Jack Frost, laughing maniacally as he zips off to his vacation home in the Caribbean, where he'll sit sipping umbrella drinks all summer long until his calendar says it's time to go back to Fargo.
All that being said, I like living in North Dakota. Snow, schmo. If I lived in California, I'd be dealing with little earthquakes cracking the plaster up and down my walls. In Florida, there could be a giant mutant lizard lurking in my backyard, waiting to eat my dog. Whatever. It's stupid cold outside, and I felt like a short, winter-inspired rant. I know every single person who reads this probably can't feel their toes right now, so I think you'll all catch my drift. (No pun intended.)
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